Say No – Please, No More People Pleasing

Say no is not easy for many people and is – admittedly – totally difficult in some situations. Are you still looking for a good resolution for the new year that has just begun? How about resolving to say no more often when you feel like it – even if it seems uncomfortable exactly at this moment.

There are many opportunities to say no when you really mean no and would only say yes so as not to make yourself unpopular. At work, for example, when you are once again asked if you can take over the presentation. But you’re already full to the brim with work and saying yes would mean working the night shift or weekend shift – yet again. Or when your mother-in-law asks again if you can come over to clean the apartment just because she’s too cheap to hire a cleaner. Or your partner. He has pompously promised to take over the organization of the children’s birthday party. Now he doesn’t want to do it and wants you to take care of it.

These are situations in which you know full well that now is the time to say no. If you have a tendency towards people pleasing, you would say yes just to avoid making yourself unpopular or offending others. But saying yes can also mean lying awake at night and getting angry with yourself because you have once again failed to turn down someone else’s brazen request. If you say “yes, of course I can do it”, but think “actually I don’t want to”, you’re not doing yourself any good.

What characterizes People Pleaser

A people pleaser puts their own needs on the back burner out of an excessive fear of rejection and conflict and constantly strives for harmony at all costs. However, this is not a psychological disorder, but rather a learned behavioral pattern. At least that’s what Wikipedia says.

In order to avoid possible conflicts or confrontations, people pleasers put their own opinion on the back burner (“I’m not sure, what do you think?” or “You’re right.”) or fulfill the wishes of those around them despite their own overload (“Yes, I can do that.”). They satisfy their pronounced need for harmony by making untruthful admissions of guilt (“I’m really sorry. That was my fault.”) or almost pleading for peaceful coexistence (“I don’t want you to be angry with me.”).

Say no to friends

Incidentally, statistically there is not much difference between men and women when it comes to people pleasers. Both sexes can find it equally difficult to say no. According to a survey by the opinion research institute Emnid, most people have the greatest problems saying no to friends. In second place is saying “no” to your own child, then to your parents, boss or partner. In last place is saying “no” to colleagues or your own dog. Only 10 percent of women and 8 percent of men say that they do not find it difficult to say no to anyone.

If it becomes a burden and causes permanent stress that you have already said “yes” again, even though you can’t actually take on anything else, then the time has come to work on yourself and a clear “no”. This applies at work, in the family, among friends or with your partner. It’s important to set boundaries and sometimes refuse something without feeling guilty. Therefore: you can learn to say no.

Five tips on how to say no

Ask for time to think about the answer
If your boss wants you to do extra work, but you realize that this is really stressing you out, take your time with the answer. Give yourself time to think about it first. Say, “I’ll think about it and get back to you.” No one can demand that you give an answer immediately. “Sleeping on it” can help you to sort yourself out and then make a decision. This can be a confirmation, but also a rejection.

Give a clearly formulated reason for refusal
A good reason is not an excuse, but it must be formulated very clearly and in such a way that the other person can understand it. Use the reflection time to sort out the reason(s) and consider how best to formulate them. However, there are also situations in which a clear no should be accepted without a reason being necessary. Then the right wording can help. In an experiment conducted by researchers at Oxford University with 120 students, the clear stance with a simple “no” was the most effective for others and oneself.

Body language can help
Good body language not only has an effect on the other person, but also on yourself. If you find it difficult to say no, you can help yourself with self-confident body language: Stand up straight with your legs apart and don’t prance around. Keep your shoulders back and straighten your back instead of slumping down. Keep your head up and don’t look down.

Say no is not rude
You need to realize this if you often have a guilty conscience or are even afraid to say no. Maybe it’s because you feel it’s rude to say no to someone. However, it is also a question of tone. Always remember: saying no is part of life. Anyone who can’t respect that should be more worried than you. Saying no also means respecting yourself. Because a “no” to someone else can be a “yes” to yourself and your own needs. If you always put yourself last, you won’t do yourself any good in the long run.

The German TV-Doc Dr. Johannes Wimmer claims: “Saying no is healthy!” He is certain that the reason why we are so bad at saying no lies in our childhood. This is where we often learned that contradiction causes stress and is socially undesirable. However, it is also essential for our health to say no in the right places. It also makes us happier!

Pay attention to the body’s signals
Saying no becomes particularly difficult when it’s not simply a matter of refusing favors or everyday tasks, but when it causes you permanent stress or brings you close to burnout. Benedikt Waldherr, psychotherapist in Landshut, advises: “Listen to your body. If you develop sleep disorders, breathing difficulties, palpitations – these are the first signs that you are under chronic stress.